MKMMA 2018 Week 3 – Diving In
My last few weeks have been crazy. More than I am willing to document in a blog. A lot of things have been happening and some have a gut FEELing of being not so good. I have been dealing with strong emotional feelings for months if not the better part of a year. A knot in my gut even at times, I find myself asking what’s the worst that can happen, trying to be okay with any outcome, and hope for whatever the best may be, and to be honest it can be downright scary. I find myself having to really let go and just trust that in a perfect universe there can be no accidents. Hey higher power, if you’re listening, I sure hope it is a perfect universe and I could use some reassurance. Okay, that was a slight effort to be funny but really it is something to ponder isn’t it?
We think we have everything all laid out and know WHAT we are supposed to do, WHO we think we are supposed to be, heck even who we THINK or BELIEVE we are and then some huge life event, or in my case several back to back to back to back, at least 4 actually maybe even 6, 7 or more really big changes, all within the course of roughly 2 years. My world has changed so much I don’t even recognize it from when I first ventured into the MKMMA in 2015. Looking back and reflecting even in just that short time shows me how uncertain and unstable life can be. To be honest it is scary. FEAR has definitely been lurking in my mind recently and with lots of good reason.
I am here retaking this course to abolish that fear. As I am reading in the master keys I am facing my fear and it has really been rearing its head in the last few weeks for me. It is my reason for taking this course again, I want to talk about it, but then I don’t. Ultimately I just want the world to be a place that is loving and accepting of all people and all levels and I want to know where I fit in. Lately, lots of things I thought I was sure about have been critically challenged. Chunks of cement in the proverbial buddha fractured and falling, and my gut instinct to grab them and put it back together, to fix it to keep this image I have believed in so strongly of how my world is supposed to be. In this time of uncertainty, in my life things from the past are coming up, FEAR, rearing its head with a fierce growl. I want to protect myself, I want to run away, I want to defeat it all at the same time.
I noticed on the webinar the words from OG’s first scroll “in this world of strife and sorrow” crossed out on the webinar slides. Why had I not noticed that line could be crossed out before? I have been using white out for “will” and modifying some words to make it read right. Leaving gaps where the white out is just like the card we are making with gaps. It made me start thinking, I could use the gaps in The GS read to do the same thing. Why not? Not spilling the beans here but whiteout makes gaps that Mark said to purposely leave in the index card.
Last night and today have been a big struggle for me to keep up with the requirements. I have to work late tomorrow and I know I still need to get this blog done and my DMP and PPN’s solidified. So much to keep going but I will succeed I just keep doing my very best to accomplish everything I have committed to as it is written in Hannel I will see it through even if the heavens fall, and it can certainly feel like it at times.